Thanksgiving Memories

Six years ago my good friend Tammy roped me into one of the most bizarre experiences of my life. She had been doing some part-time work at Macy's for a few years around Thanksgiving time helping them out with the extra workload the holidays bring them. And every year as an incentive they would offer their employees either access to bleacher seats to watch the parade or give them the opportunity to be a part of the parade. Well after having spent one very cold morning with a racist grandma watching the parade (not her grandma), Tammy thought it would be fun to actually be in the parade the following year.

This is where I come in. Tammy asked if I would like to be in the parade with her. I think my response was, "Do we get to hold a balloon?". And her response was like, "CLOWN CAMP!!". Now anybody who knows me at all, would know that I had a serious fear of clowns growing up. If a clown was in the vicinity, I would do one of those silent screams with tears rolling down my face. And in fact that may have been my response to Tammy's offer. But quickly I said yes. Since I was pregnant with Jack at the time, I thought it would be this really cool memory to tell my future unborn child about later in his years and he would think he was so cool and that his mother was so cool. And how much fun would it be to share joy with every girl and boy along the parade route?

We had to train at Clown Camp one Sunday afternoon and doggone it I was going to be the best damn clown they have ever seen! We played games and learned some dances for when the parade slowed down. I think we may have worn noses. I dreamed of being a cute little princess clown, or even a hobo clown... Then we learned we were going to be Mouse Clowns. Awww, cute!

Thanksgiving morning came around and I woke my pregnant ass up before sunrise and giggled as I put on my maternity pants. I met Tammy on a deserted subway platform and our excitement could not be contained. We were going to be fucking Mouse Clowns!!! We got to the hotel where we were to put on our costumes and our make-up and wigs and there were people everywhere. And then we got to where the mouse clowns were. (Record scratches.) Are you kidding me?? With phalic tails and terrifying snouts, we looked more like demonic sewer rat clowns.

It didn't matter because the clowns who were the most enthusiastic in the parade could win a prize!!! We could win that prize! So we got dressed , got our make-up and wigs on and got on the bus to the parade. We got to the starting point and felt the joyous energy of the crowd and when the bands played and the parade moved forward, we raced forward and didn't stop. We ran to keep the parade moving and when the parade slowed down we did our dances and played with the kids on the sidelines. We had it in the bag, baby!

When we got back to the hotel, we passed some mirrors on the way to the changing area. We were horrified at what we saw staring back at us. In addition to the catastrophic costumes they had given us, we now had makeup smeared and dripping down our sweaty faces. Needless to say, we did not win any prizes that day. And the children? I didn't see any look of joy on their faces. Enjoy the pictures... Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Tammy going into a gay mouse clown bar on Columbus Ave.

Kara taking a mouse clown pee on a tree.

Kara looking very mouse clown cute.

Kara's muted tv

This will be brief, but I just wanted to share this. A lot of times, Kara has to lie down with Emmett at night while he's sleeping to nurse him or keep him calm. When she does this, she watches the tv in our room with the mute on so she can read the closed captioning. This resulted in Kara once giving me a review of "Ray" (the Ray Charles biography) after watching the movie without the sound on. (She liked it.) I haven't seen it myself, but now I don't think I need to.
I just think it's funny that Kara watched a biography of Ray Charles with the sound off.

TAG

I have been tagged by Krissyface. Bless her heart she still wants me to write something from time to time. For the past two weeks my boys have been taking turns being sick with the most annoying illnesses known to mankind. First Jack had the stomach virus and I didn't know it until he made it very clear by vomiting all over the Astoria Blvd platform. Then Emmett developed bronchitis which would make him cough every time he laid flat in bed, which in turn meant that he had to sleep upright using my body as his posturpedic. Two days after that he woke up screaming because his eyes had been sealed shut from conjunctivitis. A couple of days after that Jack's eyes looked like he had just blown his nose all over them. The other day on our way back from Jack's homeschooling soccer class (my first day out with them in a week), in the middle of a totally fucked up commute, Emmett threw up somewhere in the underbelly of Times Square after a dickhead wearing a tie looked at him and said, "He doesn't like the subway, huh?". Anyway, I am supposed to tell you six random things about myself and then tag six others.



1. I could have met Chris three times before we actually met. The first time his band came to play at my college's "Feast for the Senses" (so lame, right?) and my boyfriend's band had played right before his did. The second time I went to go see his band (Cheater) play at CBGB's because my best friend knew the drummer for his band. I was drinking tequila and stormed out of there before I was introduced to him. The third time there was a holiday party that my boss wanted me to go to because Chris was going to be there and she wanted to hook us up. I told her the last thing I needed was another boyfriend. I met him a couple of months after that at the coffee shop where we worked and I was wearing the clothes I had slept in the night before with an apron over it.



2. My aunt was an actual playboy bunny for the playboy club in the late 70's and I used to sit on the edge of the sink in the bathroom and watch her put her makeup on.



3. I studied flamenco dance from the time I was 4 1/2 to 12 years old.



4. When I was 9 years old I wanted to be a writer and a doctor. Somebody told me about William Carlos Williams and I was sold.



5. On a camping trip once with my family, my brother Jesse and I went for a hike with some other kids we met at the campground and we got lost. Then I remembered that whenever you get lost on a trail you can follow a stream going down and it will lead you back to civilization. We followed a stream right into a correctional facility. The guards there were nice enough to give us a ride back to the campground.



6. I once watched the sunrise while playing basketball on an empty court with my cousins in Puerto Rico.



That was fun. Thanks, Krissyface for taking me out of the viral funk I have been in lately. Now who should I tag? I can only think of a few.



Chris- c'mon honey. You need to write again.



Leila. I know you want to.



Josh. You may not do it. But I fucking love your blog.

Top Ten #3

Every couple has an agreement. You know the one. It's the one where each person gives the other person permission to have sex with that one, unattainable, never to be met, celebrity. I have a running list of who that guy is for me, but the other day I realized that I actually have kept track of all of the people Chris would drop me for (in a heartbeat). Below is the list in no particular order.

1. Kate Winslet- Actually, I would leave Chris for her. She is so incredibly talented and beautiful. I think it all began with him when he saw Heavenly Creatures. Granted she was underage in that film, but murdering your mother makes you so beyond your years.

2. Maura Tierney- For those of you who are unfamiliar with this name, she is the perfect girl next door type from one of Chris's favorite shows- NewsRadio. Her character on the show was cute and geeky and fell in love with Dave Foley's character which I think only increased Chris's lust for her. (He's got a thing for Kids in the Hall, too. Oh, he didn't mention that?)

3. Sara Silverman- When Chris found out that she was dating Jimmy Kimmel, he nearly had a stroke. He then claimed that he lost respect for her and that she was no longer the one he would leave me for. Well, that didn't last very long because as soon as she had her own show our tivo was recording nothing but that. Apparently Jimmy is no longer in the picture, and Chris has a chance again. I'm shaking in my boots...

4. Tina Fey- This crush didn't really come to fruition until she became the newsanchor for Weekend Update on SNL. It was a bit more subtle than his past interests. He would say things like, "I don't think her face looks funny" in response to my deep interest in her facial scar. She does have one, does she not? I just wanted to know where it came from. Does anyone know? He will still deny that she has one, because her face is now so perfect to him.

5. Rachel Maddow- the other day we were watching her show after the Vice presidential debates and he started going on and on about how smart she is and how tv is really lacking this kind of credibility in journalism. Blah, blah, blah. I saw through it. He know she's gay, but he would totally get in the sack with her.

6. Salma Hayek- He's got a thing for brunettes, and the more latina, the hotter. He married a very watered down version of this, but in his eyes I am all ass and sass in spite of my very influential Irish ancestry.

7. which reminds me, J. Lo- I just asked him about this crush to see if it still has a place in his heart and he responded, "I liked Jennifer Lopez. Before she became J. Lo. I don't like that J. Lo shit."

8. Kristen Wiig- This is his latest addition. My sharp intuition led me to this when he spent 10 minutes talking about how he saw this article in a magazine about this movie she's in and the photo of her looks nothing like how she looks on tv. "I mean, she looked amazing!"

9. Johnny Depp- Depp is Chris's Winslet. Not only would he be more than happy to let me have sex with this man, he would then want a turn.

10. Sue Jones-Davies- Actually, Chris never shared this with me, but I took a guess. For those of you who don't know who she is, she was in Monty Python's The Life of Brian. That's all you need to know.

Yia Yia's new blog

My mother is totally biting off me. She now has her own blog and has even named it "Astroblog". Sooo biting. But here's the thing. While we named our blog after a joke I made 8 or 9 years ago about creating a band called The Jetsons and giving the title of the first album, Astro Weeks; (Get it?! Like Van Morrison's Astral Weeks?? Yeah, hilarious.) she is actually using the term Astroblog because it is all about astrology. She thinks she is so clever. I see right through her.

So with all of this novice talk out there about mercury in retrograde, I implore you to seek professional feedback on the subject before using it as en excuse for being a douchebag. Seriously, check out her blog. She is pretty amazing.

Project Runway sucks

Project Runway: Season 6

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...but I'm not going to write about that or any of the things that bug me right now. As many of you know, Mercury is in retrograde and there was just a harvest moon, so a lot of things are extremely irritating to all of us Taureans with Cancer rising (you know who you are). However, now is not the time to list all of the things that are driving me nuts lately. I'm going to stay positive and post a picture of my kids.

I don't know where Emmett's comb-over came from in this, but he should know he's not fooling anyone.

I think the hat was a better idea.
It makes him look years younger.

This post is cheering me up already.

Okay so the boys are doing great and only one of them has sent Kara to the emergency room lately, so obviously our parenting skills are top-notch, so that's something to be happy about and not irritated by.

Also, Kara made lasagna tonight, which is the greatest food ever invented. It works as a salad, entree and dessert.

It's all going to be okay. I just have to stay positive through Halloween (which, as of two days ago, I thought was next Wednesday).

9 years and counting...

I know I said I would post more regularly, but I honestly have so little to write about. Enjoy.


Today during a playdate I was about to bite into a beautiful apple when I suddenly became very self conscious of it and asked my friend if it was alright that I ate an apple in front of him. He looked at me like I was crazy, and gave me permission to eat. (He probably looked at me like I was crazy because I usually eat like a fucking pig in front of him without even thinking about it.) I then had to explain that I am not allowed to eat apples in front of Chris. He laughed, this friend of mine, because he knows Chris and I so well and apparently has never witnessed one of Chris's freakouts about people eating loudly around him. Naturally I explained to him about this "sensitivity" so that he wouldn't think Chris and I have this weird S&M thing happening on the sly.


It is true though- the thing about me not being allowed to eat apples in front of him. He cannot stand the noises coming out of people's mouths when they are eating and when somebody takes a bite out of an apple it is like death to his ears. So now I am a little head-shy about eating apples, chips, and so on because to Chris I sound like a vacuum cleaner. Granted, I am an eater. I have no qualms about my eating and take great pride in the fact that I will eat anything. (I once dated a guy who said that I eat like a man.) But I don't eat like I have something wrong with me. I actually eat very quietly. It's Chris who has the problem and he will readily admit it when I give him the evil eye for making me feel bad for eating nachos two rooms away from him. Apparently there is a name for this condition- people who hate people who eat. Or I guess, people who have incredibly sensitive hearing to people eating. Or I guess, people who are assholes. It's called "hyperacusis". Or in my world, "bullshit".



Our 9th anniversary recently passed. It was on the 11th of September. Yeah- September 11th. And, no, it didn't happen on the actual day. We had that day for a whole two years before it became the saddest day for NYC ever. Anyway we went to see Tropic Thunder. I'm thinking we may need to try harder for our 10th.