Dirty Hippies

I really love posting. I do. And I apologize for being so lame about posting regularly. But I have a good excuse. Seriously, I do. We just started homeschooling Jack. And by proxy, I guess Emmett too.

Somebody that Chris works with asked him once- "Are you and Kara some kind of anarchists?". Not even hippies- anarchists. That's how extreme our parenting choices may seem to some people. Sure I breastfeed my children at an age where I find it cute that they can sing ABC's with my nipple in their mouth. And yes, we bring Emmett to the chiropractor for an ear infection. And circumcision? Forget about it. Chris and I take pride in the fact that Jack's penis gets an extra inch or so of hang. Our dear friend (and you know who you are) once said, "Does Jack have a lot of foreskin? You can tell from his walk that he's got a lot." (Correct me if I quoted you wrong, by the way.) I guess we parent a little differently from most parents in this country, but Anarchists? Hmmm...

So- yeah, homeschooling. We couldn't bring ourselves to send Jack to the local school. Instead I opted to be utterly exhausted at the end of every day only to find myself on the computer looking up workbooks and curriculum and looking through message boards posting the homeschool gatherings, workshops, classes, etc. But the little bugger is all the better for it, and I guess so am I. It keeps me from boozing it up and doing meth all day long. Kids- they keep you young.

Listen- my entries may be brief, disjointed, and sporadic, but I will continue to post. It's the only outlet I've got at this point. And as for my husband- what the fuck is his excuse? Nice entry about the tv shows, I just wish he would post more often. His shit is funny.

Chris and his Top Ten TV shows

I know these are mostly comedies, but other than sports and news, that's about all I watch. If you like this list, I highly recommend going here .

1. Freaks and Geeks: Hilarious before having kids, heartbreaking after.
2. The Simpsons: I used to love this show so much, and remember it as being really subversive. Now I think it's become pretty lame and useless, but I'm glad Matt Groening became so insanely successful. He seems like a great guy and the Life/Love is Hell comics are masterpieces as were the first ten or so years of this show.
3. Mr. Show: Brilliant show. Why Run, Ronnie, Run was such an unwatchable piece of shit is still beyond me.
4. News Radio: Great writing, great cast. I used to watch this religiously and to this day I give Andy Dick the benefit of the doubt whenever he gets arrested or embarrasses himself some other way.
5. Monty Python’s Flying Circus: I still think I'm cool for liking this, even though Kara and her friends seem to regard it the way they do Dungeons and Dragons.
6. 30 Rock: I've been watching this a lot lately. Some of the best TV writing I've seen.
7. Late Night with David Letterman: I lived for this show in high school and one of the greatest thrills of my life was to be on it. (Yeah, I was on it. Drew Carey was on that night too! He and Kara got into a fight.)
8. The Larry Sanders Show: I watched every episode. Loved every episode.
9. The Daily Show / The Colbert Report: I read lefty blogs a lot during the day and these shows help me come down from getting so outraged. (Coexist, y'all)
10. The Wire: We're watching this now, and it is so good that if I never see another episode, it's still in the top ten.

So there's my list, but a few years ago, Bosom Buddies would have been number one, so take it with a grain of salt.

Top Ten #2

Fucking Krissyface, man. First she convinces my husband to do this frigging blog, then she harasses me about writing. And where is Chris?? He has certainly been slacking. Okay, fine, here is another entry. Oh, by the way, Provincetown was fabulous and upon return when I opened my car door in front of our building it smelled like bottled dog urine.

Top Ten TV Shows of ALL Time

• 10. Cheers Let me just preface this by saying that a lot of these shows are going to have the same thing in common- what's on at 11pm in NYC or what's on after you get home late from partying. Cheers used to fall into both categories. It has mysteriously disappeared from our local channels here and I have to say that I miss it.
• 9. Roseanne Okay, Early Roseanne, before Roseanne opened her own diner. (Chris swears it was a sandwich shop, but whatever it was it took all of the humor out of the show.) Early Roseanne was the most realistic family sitcom ever to be put on air. Believe it or not, I aspire to have a marriage like Roseanne and Dan had. They were hot for each other in spite of the fact that they had let it all go- or at least viewers were made to believe that they used to be attractive at one point before the 3 kids. They were broke most of the time and they complained about the kids. Hmmm, I guess I no longer need to aspire...
• 8. Twilight Zone This can fall under what is on after you get home from partying. Need I even mention the ways this show has messed with my sleep deprived and dehydrated brain on New Year's? You have to admit there is something so peculiarly comforting about watching this show while nursing whatever ails you. And every year I became more and more amazed with how many of these shows I have already seen.
• 7. Flight of the Conchords As Chris has mentioned before, it can take some convincing on his part to get me into a movie or show that he has discovered first. This show is an excellent example of this dynamic between us. In spite of the fact that he would force me to watch scenes from this show as I lay there yawning and rolling my eyes, I later came to watch this show on my own and I frigging love it! Any show that has music videos ranging from David Bowie impersonations to Lord of the Rings, has me written all over it. Just do yourself a favor and look up their music videos on Youtube. You'll thank me later and I won't give any of the credit to Chris.
• 6. The Office (BBC) There is this style of humor that makes me very uncomfortable and it has hindered me from totally getting into a lot of shows and movies out there. It's the kind of humor that makes you wince and want to get the whole thing over and done with. It wasn't until we got sucked into a marathon of this show (those marathons are tricky, aren't they?) that I was able to see the brilliance behind the discomfort.
• 5. Six Feet Under This is one of the few shows listed here that Chris never watched one episode of. I think he thought that it was going to be scary so he would always scurry away as soon as he heard the opening music come on. I would try to convince him that the title had very little to do with what the show was about. Of course, every show opened with a death of some kind so he wasn't convinced. It's too bad, I literally ached for these characters when the show ended.
• 4. Project Runway Is this technically a tv show? Whatever. My heart skips a beat every Wednesday now that the new season has begun. This show knows its way to my heart and they do it with their Golden Girls references at least once a show. (See below)
• 3. Seinfeld This show falls under the category of what is on at 11pm in NYC. Chris says that I have this knack for knowing which episode it is just by watching 5 seconds of it in. I've heard him brag to other people about it like it's this really sexy feature of mine. So sad. In reality I have watched my fair share of Seinfeld episodes, but it's only because they always make me laugh.
• 2. Freaks and Geeks This show was almost #1. We first watched this show right after it got cancelled (assholes!!) and I was devasted that I would never know whatever became of Lindsay and Sam. Since then I have watched the entire season several times, and I am glad it ended when it did. There is a certain romanticism to not knowing what happens to the characters after high school. I mean, there was no need to follow 90210 to college, they should have cut us off soon after their junior year. Actually I never watched an entire episode of 90210 so I don't know what the hell I am talking about. Everybody can relate to F&G. Okay, maybe not everyone. If you were really popular and loved high school then you might have a hard time identifying with the characters, but for the rest of us normal people we were either a Freak or a Geek at one point or another. I was both, but not at the same time. I'll save that for another blog entry.
• 1. Golden Girls Okay, hear me out. Anybody who knows me knows that I am obsessed with this show. Yeah, that's right, obsessed. I used to give Sophia a hard time by calling her the weak link of the show, but I now appreciate her as a spoke in the wheel of the most humorous show ever to be put on television. Recently my friend Heather and I went to a taping of Password and when I found out that Betty White was going to be one of the guest players on the show I cried. I don't get crazy about celebrities because I could care less about how you make your money, but my hands burned from clapping so hard and my throat was sore from screaming. You would have thought I was at a Pixies concert. (Another obsession) But come on- how could you not love this show? When Dorothy drops her voice to hit a punchline, I sometimes get a knot in my throat because I love it so much. Or when Blanche prances around on her little heels resembling a female Porky Pig and talking dirty I chuckle every time. And every single time Rose makes some stupid comment and Dorothy gives her that stare, I just lose it. This show is my most favorite show of all time.

The Dick Dock beckons, oh wait, I'm already there.

Here we are fresh from our trip to NC only to whisk ourselves off to yet another destination. This will be our third year in a row to Provincetown, MA where we stay with our dear friend Susie Q and her family at their lovely historic home on Main Street. There are no other towns to compare it to and it is pretty near to being a utopic society. In the morning we frequent the nearby coffee shop, hang out at the town beach sipping tea and coffee and prepare for the day as we wait for the other adults to wake up. Then the possibilities are endless. Do we go to the beautiful beaches, the nearby hotel pool, or check out the "Critter Cruise"? If only every day can be like this...

I mean, don't get me wrong. Tomorrow I look forward to a morning of stumbling out of the bed gesturing to Chris to help Emmett out of our bed because my back is killing me. Before I even pee I rummage through our kitchen desperate to eat something. After usually settling on cereal it dawns on me that Jack has to eat and that Emmett's diaper is so full, it's resembling a pillow strapped between his legs. So I argue with Jack about how he can't have crepes or blueberry pancakes from scratch every morning and I wrestle Emmett to the ground to have his diaper changed. At which point my cereal is soggy and I still haven't peed. Chris is preparing his gourmet coffee using the Chemex method and is scanning through his Google Reader. This promptly leads to me bitching about the dishes in the sink from the night before and banging things around so that I can make my tea. Jack starts to eat his frozen, now toasted, organic blueberry waffle and wants to know if we are going to do "something fun today". I choke down my vitamins and eye the computer, but feel too lazy to switch from Chris's account to my own. Chris gets in the shower and I try to address the "fun" plans for the day and unless the plan involves a museum, beach or a zoo I have to then address the issue of how to deal with disappontment without screaming or whining. Chris is now getting dressed for work and I finally pee and shower myself, sometimes simultaneously.

While it may be hard to believe that the glamorous morning above is readily shunned for the mornings on the Cape, I've already started packing.

Micromanaging and North Carolina

A couple of things…

Let me begin by quoting our son Jack who offered this insight while we were driving around in North Carolina, “It’s kind of confusing because Dada is bigger than Mama but Mama has a bigger brain.” For some reason, Kara thinks that this was a reference to my intelligence rather than a valid observation about the freakish size of her head. Granted, I drove around NC like Corky’s dumber cousin, but Kara does have a big head.

You may have read Kara’s previous post in which she uses some tortured logic (and my grandparents!) to suggest that reminding me to take my clothes off before I get in the shower is her way of saying, “I love you” and not her way of saying, “You’re a moron.” Any married person or anybody who has lived with someone they are intimate with can see through this bullshit right away. It’s the oldest line in the book. It’s right up there with, “I wasn’t yelling at you, I was yelling at myself.” It brings to mind the line, “I was born on a Tuesday, but it wasn’t last Tuesday.”

Anyway, my big takeaway from our trip to NC was I was duped by a local into royally pissing off this donkey named Lightning. I’ll tell you all about it at a later date.

NYC to the NC to the NYC

Hey Y'all, at the request of Krissy, I am writing. I am tired though, so be kind, friends.

Recently we took a trip to North Carolina. We decided to use our stimulus check aka "hush money" to take a vacation that had nothing to do with visiting friends and/or family. And while we were at it, take a little look-see at the towns there to see if relocating could be a possibility for us. So while it's still fresh in my mind, I'll share the things that spring to mind about our adventures there.

People drink a lot of iced tea there, or rather "sweet tea" and boy is it good. The thing that amazes me though is that they seem completely unaffected by all of the caffeine that is running through their systems on a constant basis. Maybe it's because they are sweating it all out from the heat. In any case it is the most refreshing and civilized drink that goes with just about any food. I was happy about that.

Chris had lost all sense of direction in NC. We made so many U-turns and cut off so many people, even NYers would have been blown away. I mean right up to the bloody end of our trip we ran into trouble. I thought we were in the clear driving along Airport Blvd with the Avis sign just up ahead, when Chris pulls into their exit driveway with the spikes pointing in our direction daring us to continue. Even after I started stammering "Not here, not here!", Chris looked at me bewildered, "What, what?!". Yeah, that was a close call. Jack at one point even declared, "Dada, you really should have gotten that GPS!". He is sooo my son.

There are a lot of wasps, hornets, bees, what have you. And for those of you who know me, know that I don't like bugs. Let alone bugs that have the potential to be lethal. They hover around doorways just waiting for someone oblivious to come along. And everyone was oblivious to them! There I was dodging and running through doorways shouting at the kids to get in, while everyone else is just leaning back, having conversations, holding doors open for other people, maybe the occasional lazy hand gesture toward them- like "go on. fly away little bug." Where do these fucking bugs come from?! And they were huge with stingers so visible, there was a glint to them in the sunlight.

Everyone is friendly there and will help you even if it's inconvenient for them or if they hate you. On our first day there we went to the Whole Foods in Chapel Hill to grab some snacks, diapers, and lunch. After we ate I got up to bring the trays inside with the leftover food and when I opened the door this air blew out at me from inside and the napkins went flying everywhere. This man came out of nowhere and grabbed the door for me so that I could pick up the napkins at which point due to shock, I lost control of the trays. Food all over the floor along with the dishes and silverware. He calmly looked at me with a smile and said "You have just made a dog's dream come true!". And then he helped me gather everything and opened the door again for me. While the fascinating details described above may seem ordinary to the lay person, it is not ordinary in ASStoria.

Accents are a strange thing. When I was in college everybody thought I was from Vermont and were always shocked to find that I was from NYC. Vermont? I don't have any sort of accent as far as I can tell and when I meet someone with an accent of any kind, I kind of love it. Now, for some reason in NC the accent threw me. Whenever I spoke to somebody who had a real southern accent, my knee-jerk reaction was to smile as if they were playing a joke on me. I would look at them as if to say, "Are you kidding me?". Quickly I would remember where I was and would get it together. The other funny thing is how we all start to acquire the accent that is around us. Madonna in England, for example. Or Chris in NC. And much like Madonna in England, Chris's accent picked up some strange habits and sometimes I wasn't sure what he was doing. I don't think people from New England are supposed to sound like they are from the South. The tongue just won't allow it.

All in all we had a great time and as for relocating, well, when you get home and your block smells like a dead horse just shat all over your stoop, any other option seems plausible. But no worries my friends, we are here for now and I am going to love the hell out of it. In spite of the smell.

The Secret to a Successful Marriage

Recently we took a trip to see Chris's grandparents in his hometown of Marblehead, MA. It was a quick trip- the only kind we can take these days with two boys who manage to make any indoor space feel like a closet filled with expensive china. My nerves can only take so much of it in someone else's home. Anyhoo, whenever we return from one of our family trips the inevitable conversation of who's family is crazier comes up. By the way- always, always my family wins hands down thanks to the Puerto Rican side which has nothing to do with being puerto rican, but everything to do with being mentally ill. So, after talking about the usual stuff, like New England repression and eating things that are not so kid friendly ("Jack, just try the onion pie!"), I found myself thinking about marriage. You see, recently a couple of friends have mentioned to me in passing that Chris and I have a good marriage or a healthy relationship and it stuns me. Not because it isn't true (I really have no idea, actually), but rather I am stunned that I am married at all. On my mother's side none of the women stayed with the men that "fathered" their children. For the most part this is a really good thing, but for the sake of demonstrating what a healthy marriage looks like it's just not there. Chris's father split when he was really young never to return. So where do we turn to for guidance or inspiration? This brings me back to his grandparents- Grummer and GG.

Grummer and GG should be an inspiration to everyone. They both found each other later in life, each having been married once. It is now about 30 years later and they are still madly in love. They giggle at each other's jokes, compliment each other several times a day, and every once in a while I'd catch Grummer's hand on GG's ass. Yep, it's true. But after much thinking, the true secret to their succes is- drumroll, please- Micromanaging. That's right, Chris! You heard me right, micro-frigging-managing.

It's amazing how they micromanage; it's like watching masters at work. "Jeannie, did you take your pills this morning? Well if you're going to do it now, maybe you should eat something to go along with it since it's not at a mealtime. And while you're at it take a swig of something wet to chase them down." Later something like this will come up- "Well, if the kids need to be on the road by 6pm, then Ed, you should get the dinner going by 5pm so that we can relax through dinner and you won't feel so hurried in preparation. And it's 4:30 now so maybe we should have some vino now and forego the accompaniments altogether." It's magic. But the key to this secret, I think, is to not recognize that it's micromanagement. They just simply see it as taking care of each other. Huh, fancy that, Chris.

I think Chris and I are too painfully aware of this aspect of our marriage. It's an unfortunate side effect of being in our generation. We are too painfully self-aware on almost every aspect of our lives. Before suggesting anything to Chris I always preface it now with "Okay, I am not micromanaging, but I just need you to know that..." There's Emmett standing there in his olive green shirt and his forest green shorts and me saying, "Okay, I am not micromanaging, but..." I just don't know how else to break it to Chris that we couldn't possibly let our beautiful son out into the world with those two greens on the same body. He takes it as personal criticism, I see it as damage control aka taking care of my family. He swears that I am the only one who does it, but I too have felt the irritation of his care for the family. "Did you pack his medicine? Do you have the cell phone?" almost every time I am headed out the door with the kids, as if he weren't here I would walk out the door without their shoes on too. But I welcome it now with open arms, because I know what he's really saying is, "I care for you and for the health of our children".