I just want to say one thing about watching movies with Kara, who seems to know me so well, but is unaware that I have, in fact, seen Boys on the Side (the movie that is).
For years before Jack was born, when we could watch a movie at a volume that was louder than the refrigerator hum, I would often bring back a movie from the video store (remember those?) that I thought we both might enjoy. Invariably, Kara would look at what I got and give me one of those condescending looks filled with pity, laughing softly to herself, letting me know she was embarrassed for me because I was too stupid to be embarrassed for myself. Every time. It did not matter what movie it was. Any genre, any director, any actor, any language. It was always just some lame choice I had made that played into some stereotype of a knucklehead male filmgoer who just loves to see things get blowned up or has a bunch of pretty gurlz running around topless. It happens to this day, but now we use Netflix so I can set myself up for that humiliation without walking all the way to Video Stop (which sadly closed a year ago).
Anyway, among the films I chose were City of God, The Triplets of Belleville, Donnie Darko, Kung Fu Hustle, Spellbound (the spelling bee documentary), Tristam and Shady, Withnail and I, Network, Citizen Kane and Filthy First-Time Nightshift Nurses IV.
That’s just the half of it, though. After defending myself for ten minutes by saying things like “But it was nominated for 12 Academy Awards,” or “Martin Scorsese says this is the best film in the history of cinema,” Kara would consent to watch the film, and totally get into it. I swear to god, without fail. Then, more times than I care to remember, she would be talking to one of our friends the next day or a few days afterward and say something like , “You know what movie we just saw that you would love? [Insert some film that I was ridiculed for having selected]! It’s so good. You should really see it. It’s a great movie.” She still does it, actually.
That is what is so annoying. Kara has excellent taste in movies, but refuses to believe that I might know how to pick a film that would be interesting to watch. Maybe it's because I watch some of the dullest things imaginable on regular TV. ("Honey, Noam Chamsky is on C-Span2's Book Talk for six straight hours! Hold all my calls!") Maybe it’s because I won’t watch anything scary, which is completely befuddling to her. By the way, she also is constantly trying to trick me into watching scary films. ('Saw II' isn’t scary. I heard it’s funny. Maybe a little suspenseful, but not scary). I really don't like being scared.
Okay, then. Having said all that, let me make a few quick notes about Kara’s post. I did see Boys on the Side and hated it. I also hated When A Man Loves A Woman (although I am convinced that at the end of that movie Andy Garcia says “You had me at hello,” yet another reason to hate Cameron Crowe. He’s a plagiarist. And he plagiarizes the worst crap out there.) I actually don’t mind Robin Williams in movies that much. Definitely not as much as I mind Robin Williams in general.
And I do love ABBA and Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Top Ten #1
Is 2001: A Space Odyssey really the greatest sci-fi film ever made?? Really?! Star Wars is by far way more entertaining. Sure 2001 triggered some pretty intense anxiety attacks for me in college, but I don't think that would necessarily make it the top sci-fi film. In case you haven't guessed by now, I am actually writing this while AFI's 10 top ten list is playing in the background. Which of course has me thinking about some top ten lists of my own. I would love to share all of my top ten lists with you through this most engaging blog, but for tonight, just one:
Top Ten Films That Chris Will Never Watch:
Texas Chainsaw Massacre- Chris is incredibly scared of horror movies, but especially this movie. Now, I am aware that horror movies are designed to freak people out, but Chris can't handle it at all. We went to see a friend's band play in upstate NY and as they started their set, they had scenes from the movie playing behind them. Chris's face went pale and his hands started shaking as he realized what was being shown. He tried his best to enjoy the music, but he still talks about those scenes to this day. "I can't believe they would show that! I mean, it doesn't add to the music or anything..." Poor Chris.
Transamerica- The only reason I know this has to do with the fact that the DVD has been sitting on top of our tv cabinet since I got the damn thing from Netflix three days ago. And whenever I bring it up as a possibility for our viewing pleasure, he looks at me as if I just asked him to watch a short film on grass growing.
Masterpiece on PBS- Okay, technically it's tv, but their mini-series are definitely film worthy in my opinion. They recently had the Jane Austen series with a different Jane Austen story every week. Chris would dash out of the room as soon as he realized what was coming on. His hopes were so high as he would see the PBS promotions come on. I am sure he thought that maybe I was coming around and would watch a Charlie Rose with him. And then Gillian Anderson would appear ready to introduce the next delicious story and he would leap off the couch- his heart crushed.
Boys on the Side- He has never seen this movie and he has got a huge beef with this film. It has something to do with Whoopi and Drew being in the same film together.
Mama Mia!: the Movie- ABBA was the first band that Chris really dug as a kid. He still listens to them with Jack and will even point out parts in the songs that really get him excited. He is just too close to the music (if you can believe) to even fathom hearing their songs come out of Meryl Streep's mouth.
Born into Brothels- or any other depressing aka uplifting documentary I have sent to the house. Thank you Netflix!
Any Robin Williams movie- No, really. Apparently when he went to see Alladin (stoned), he was so disturbed by Robin Williams's voice, that he has forever banned that movie from our house. Our boys will end up seeing it at some friend's house and will covet it like porn.
Any future Cameron Crowe film- After his reactions to Almost Famous, Vanilla Sky and Jerry Maguire, I am going to ban him from seeing his films. Whatever minute amount of joy you can get from seeing his films, Chris will promptly shit all over it.
The Exorcist- Aside from the fact that it is the scariest movie that has ever existed, when I asked Chris what two movies that he would never see are, he immediately responded with this one. I'll give him this one- there have been some nights when I wished I had never seen this one. Or at least didn't see it more than ten times.
Sleepless in Seattle- And when asked why, he simply states, "I don't like romantic comedies." So what's Pee Wee's Big Adventure?
Top Ten Films That Chris Will Never Watch:
Texas Chainsaw Massacre- Chris is incredibly scared of horror movies, but especially this movie. Now, I am aware that horror movies are designed to freak people out, but Chris can't handle it at all. We went to see a friend's band play in upstate NY and as they started their set, they had scenes from the movie playing behind them. Chris's face went pale and his hands started shaking as he realized what was being shown. He tried his best to enjoy the music, but he still talks about those scenes to this day. "I can't believe they would show that! I mean, it doesn't add to the music or anything..." Poor Chris.
Transamerica- The only reason I know this has to do with the fact that the DVD has been sitting on top of our tv cabinet since I got the damn thing from Netflix three days ago. And whenever I bring it up as a possibility for our viewing pleasure, he looks at me as if I just asked him to watch a short film on grass growing.
Masterpiece on PBS- Okay, technically it's tv, but their mini-series are definitely film worthy in my opinion. They recently had the Jane Austen series with a different Jane Austen story every week. Chris would dash out of the room as soon as he realized what was coming on. His hopes were so high as he would see the PBS promotions come on. I am sure he thought that maybe I was coming around and would watch a Charlie Rose with him. And then Gillian Anderson would appear ready to introduce the next delicious story and he would leap off the couch- his heart crushed.
Boys on the Side- He has never seen this movie and he has got a huge beef with this film. It has something to do with Whoopi and Drew being in the same film together.
Mama Mia!: the Movie- ABBA was the first band that Chris really dug as a kid. He still listens to them with Jack and will even point out parts in the songs that really get him excited. He is just too close to the music (if you can believe) to even fathom hearing their songs come out of Meryl Streep's mouth.
Born into Brothels- or any other depressing aka uplifting documentary I have sent to the house. Thank you Netflix!
Any Robin Williams movie- No, really. Apparently when he went to see Alladin (stoned), he was so disturbed by Robin Williams's voice, that he has forever banned that movie from our house. Our boys will end up seeing it at some friend's house and will covet it like porn.
Any future Cameron Crowe film- After his reactions to Almost Famous, Vanilla Sky and Jerry Maguire, I am going to ban him from seeing his films. Whatever minute amount of joy you can get from seeing his films, Chris will promptly shit all over it.
The Exorcist- Aside from the fact that it is the scariest movie that has ever existed, when I asked Chris what two movies that he would never see are, he immediately responded with this one. I'll give him this one- there have been some nights when I wished I had never seen this one. Or at least didn't see it more than ten times.
Sleepless in Seattle- And when asked why, he simply states, "I don't like romantic comedies." So what's Pee Wee's Big Adventure?
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Merde
In honor of our dear friend, Kristin's, recent blog entry (see blog list at right) about her daughter's obsession with poop, I thought I would share my own thoughts on the topic. You see, it's not just four and five year olds that are obsessed with nose picking, penis vs vagina, and of course defecating, but it seems throughout my life there have been several people of all ages who have found shitting to be a source of great amusement. A word of warning: the following will definitely make Chris very uncomfortable.
My mother: For as long as I can remember, my mother has been very open with her bodily functions. She and my aunt still laugh about how they would chase me around the apartment (a rather large apartment on the upper westside) farting at me. She would notoriously fart loudly and immediately try to put the blame on anyone within the nearest vicinity. (Bill Cosby has an entire bit about his father blaming imaginary animals on his farts- my mother found this to be hilarious.) And then when she was on the can, the door would be wide open where she would continue to carry conversations either on the phone or with anyone who could stomach the smell. Usually my brothers and I because we had been subjected to it from such early stages that the smells didn't phase us so much. There was even a time when I was 14 and my best friend, Diana, and I had returned back to my place way later than our curfew and my mother called us into the bathroom as soon she heard the door. We stood in the bathroom doorway as she proceeded to ground us while she was sitting on the toilet. The amazing thing about this is that a) we were still scared about being so late and b) that we didn't walk away from her as she lectured us about paying attention to the time when we were out. Okay, so maybe she isn't obsessed with poop, just really open and relaxed about it. But I still can't think about the subject without thinking of my mother.
Mike: I met my friend Mike in college. He was the best friend of my boyfriend (who was also very obsessed with pooping-see below) and we were inseparable when said boyfriend was in India. I learned a lot about the foods that Mike ate and how they came out in the end. He would report on the subject after almost every meal we had together. After having Jack one of the first questions he asked was whether or not it was true that you shit when you are pushing the baby out. A valid question, but should it be the one of the first questions you ask? Is it any wonder I still love him? He's recently had a beautiful baby girl, so now he can obsess over her little dirty diapers.
College Boyfriend: I know it's just wrong to write about your ex-boyfriend on a blog that you write with your husband; but I seriously can't avoid this guy's obsession with bodily functions. So to be fair, I have left his name out in fear that he may come upon this in some "random Google search" and will be totally pissed. Before this guy, I never even farted in front of a boy who wasn't one of my brothers. I don't know if it's the liberal arts thing or what- but boys in college just don't care. In fact, they kind of get off on girls having it all out there. Whether it's unshaven legs (which I had) or beer farts/burps (which I did), liberal arts college boys think it's so cool to have a girlfriend who isn't concerned with being "girly". Now back to CB. If there were such a thing as side by side toilets, we would have had them. We would keep each other company if either of us were relieving ourselves and we always laughed at each other when we farted. Besides, it came with the territory of the typical vegetarian fare we were eating back then. And what started off as fun farting pooping humor, turned ugly when he came back from his semester abroad in India. Granted he came back with giardia, but he tracked every cramp, fart, or bowel movement like they were signs from God.
And of course there have been several others in my life who were either really open about their bodies and what they do, or they would discuss it incessantly. Sure my five year old would laugh if you even utter the word "poop", but so does my mother. As an aside, in college before dance performances every dancer would go around whispering "Merde" to each other before going on stage. I will let you know that I always smiled back with a cheery, "Thank you!". And if I were to choose an entire population of people who would represent poop obsession, it would have to be actors. (Specifically theatre actors, because I haven't worked that closely with film actors and I am guessing it might be different with them.) Inevitably during a rehearsal break or when a group is in the green room waiting for their scene, their digestive issues come up. And it's always funny, even if it's painful.
My mother: For as long as I can remember, my mother has been very open with her bodily functions. She and my aunt still laugh about how they would chase me around the apartment (a rather large apartment on the upper westside) farting at me. She would notoriously fart loudly and immediately try to put the blame on anyone within the nearest vicinity. (Bill Cosby has an entire bit about his father blaming imaginary animals on his farts- my mother found this to be hilarious.) And then when she was on the can, the door would be wide open where she would continue to carry conversations either on the phone or with anyone who could stomach the smell. Usually my brothers and I because we had been subjected to it from such early stages that the smells didn't phase us so much. There was even a time when I was 14 and my best friend, Diana, and I had returned back to my place way later than our curfew and my mother called us into the bathroom as soon she heard the door. We stood in the bathroom doorway as she proceeded to ground us while she was sitting on the toilet. The amazing thing about this is that a) we were still scared about being so late and b) that we didn't walk away from her as she lectured us about paying attention to the time when we were out. Okay, so maybe she isn't obsessed with poop, just really open and relaxed about it. But I still can't think about the subject without thinking of my mother.
Mike: I met my friend Mike in college. He was the best friend of my boyfriend (who was also very obsessed with pooping-see below) and we were inseparable when said boyfriend was in India. I learned a lot about the foods that Mike ate and how they came out in the end. He would report on the subject after almost every meal we had together. After having Jack one of the first questions he asked was whether or not it was true that you shit when you are pushing the baby out. A valid question, but should it be the one of the first questions you ask? Is it any wonder I still love him? He's recently had a beautiful baby girl, so now he can obsess over her little dirty diapers.
College Boyfriend: I know it's just wrong to write about your ex-boyfriend on a blog that you write with your husband; but I seriously can't avoid this guy's obsession with bodily functions. So to be fair, I have left his name out in fear that he may come upon this in some "random Google search" and will be totally pissed. Before this guy, I never even farted in front of a boy who wasn't one of my brothers. I don't know if it's the liberal arts thing or what- but boys in college just don't care. In fact, they kind of get off on girls having it all out there. Whether it's unshaven legs (which I had) or beer farts/burps (which I did), liberal arts college boys think it's so cool to have a girlfriend who isn't concerned with being "girly". Now back to CB. If there were such a thing as side by side toilets, we would have had them. We would keep each other company if either of us were relieving ourselves and we always laughed at each other when we farted. Besides, it came with the territory of the typical vegetarian fare we were eating back then. And what started off as fun farting pooping humor, turned ugly when he came back from his semester abroad in India. Granted he came back with giardia, but he tracked every cramp, fart, or bowel movement like they were signs from God.
And of course there have been several others in my life who were either really open about their bodies and what they do, or they would discuss it incessantly. Sure my five year old would laugh if you even utter the word "poop", but so does my mother. As an aside, in college before dance performances every dancer would go around whispering "Merde" to each other before going on stage. I will let you know that I always smiled back with a cheery, "Thank you!". And if I were to choose an entire population of people who would represent poop obsession, it would have to be actors. (Specifically theatre actors, because I haven't worked that closely with film actors and I am guessing it might be different with them.) Inevitably during a rehearsal break or when a group is in the green room waiting for their scene, their digestive issues come up. And it's always funny, even if it's painful.
Red Roses and Champagne
Well, I hated Kara's last post, but it did get me thinking.
It got me to thinking about my college paramour, a truly beautiful girl who never farted, shat or burped and definitely not all three simultaneously while sitting on the toilet talking to me, which is probably why she didn't get into Skidmore, where I think that's actually part of the interview process.
It got me thinking about my high school girlfriend, who was somehow able to refrain from lighting her farts in my face or burping the alphabet in church. I never saw her sneeze, but if she ever did, I'm willing to wager she covered her nose with a tissue rather than blocking one nostril and blowing as hard as possible onto the floor. I get teary-eyed thinking of all the times she didn't fart into her hand and then sniff it.
Even after college, I managed to meet a variety of people who were actually able to wait until they were done emptying their bowels to share with me whatever random thought was running through their head. Many times I have discussed music, literature, or film without someone lighting a match or spraying Lysol around the room.
Actually, even today at work I was given a job by someone who wasn't grunting with their pants down around their ankles. That happens fairly frequently, truth be told, but then again I have a pretty cushy job. And there aren't a lot of Skidmore grads there. (Although, to be fair, I don't see the higher-ups too much.)
I've led a sheltered life, I know, and the hundreds of beautiful women I've dated (all of whom could eat at a restaurant without feeling compelled to re-enact the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles) do not represent all women, and every stranger on the street who doesn't ask me to pull their finger, doesn't mean that someday one won't. That being said, I don't think it's too much to ask my beautiful wife and incredible kids to let me live in this one bubble a little bit longer.
It got me to thinking about my college paramour, a truly beautiful girl who never farted, shat or burped and definitely not all three simultaneously while sitting on the toilet talking to me, which is probably why she didn't get into Skidmore, where I think that's actually part of the interview process.
It got me thinking about my high school girlfriend, who was somehow able to refrain from lighting her farts in my face or burping the alphabet in church. I never saw her sneeze, but if she ever did, I'm willing to wager she covered her nose with a tissue rather than blocking one nostril and blowing as hard as possible onto the floor. I get teary-eyed thinking of all the times she didn't fart into her hand and then sniff it.
Even after college, I managed to meet a variety of people who were actually able to wait until they were done emptying their bowels to share with me whatever random thought was running through their head. Many times I have discussed music, literature, or film without someone lighting a match or spraying Lysol around the room.
Actually, even today at work I was given a job by someone who wasn't grunting with their pants down around their ankles. That happens fairly frequently, truth be told, but then again I have a pretty cushy job. And there aren't a lot of Skidmore grads there. (Although, to be fair, I don't see the higher-ups too much.)
I've led a sheltered life, I know, and the hundreds of beautiful women I've dated (all of whom could eat at a restaurant without feeling compelled to re-enact the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles) do not represent all women, and every stranger on the street who doesn't ask me to pull their finger, doesn't mean that someday one won't. That being said, I don't think it's too much to ask my beautiful wife and incredible kids to let me live in this one bubble a little bit longer.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
What are you watching?
Chris is watching tv responsibly as I wander around aimlessly looking for ways not to do something productive. I say responsibly because he is watching MSNBC track the poll results for the democratic primaries. He watches tv programs as if we were being tracked by Nielsen and he is out to prove how well informed and smart he is. Except that he is genuinely smart and well informed. I only latch on to his responsibility and claim it as my own. If someone, like the Nielsen people (whoever they may be), were to document what is being watched in our home they would find a dichotomy that I'm sure exists in every heterosexual couple's home. So it made me think about what the top five channels I turn to on a regular basis vs what top five channels Chris turns to after the kids go to bed at night. Here they are:
Me
Me
- HGTV- the home and garden channel. What New Yorker doesn't go into somebody's home and immediately start to think about how s/he could have done it better and for less money. Almost every show on this channel lets you indulge in this.
- FOOD- Right after Jack was born I could only watch this channel and nothing else. For the first three weeks my entire day revolved around the food channel's schedule. Maybe it was because I was pinned down by his constant nursing and I would just lie there starving trying to imagine what it would be like to eat again. Since then I have taken to tivo'ing Nigella Lawson's shows so that I wouldn't have to watch much else. But if I am in bed at 11pm, chances are I am watching Alton Brown's Good Eats. He is kind of hot and if you haven't gathered already- I've got a thing for smart guys...
- ABC- Who on earth could have imagined that two of my favorite shows of all time would be on this crazy right-wing channel?! Grey's Anatomy grabbed hold of me much later into it's first season and I have been loyal ever since. As much as I couldn't stand Meredith, I couldn't stay away. Lost is the other show I can't stop watching. Now here are my dirty secrets- Wife Swap, The Bachelor/ette, Extreme Makeover- Home Edition. Wife Swap inevitably makes me feel ashamed after watching it. And it's only when Chris walks out of the room disgusted when I can watch it in peace and not try to pass it off as some sociological study I am conducting on the couch with a pint of ice cream.
- TCM- As anyone who knows me will tell you- I am a gay man stuck inside the body of a 33 year old woman. And not just any gay man, but a late forties, early fifties gay man. Hence, TCM. Because sooner or later, a Bette Davis or Joan Crawford movie will be on and I am all set for the night.
- And finally, BRAVO- Between Project Runway, Kathy Griffin and Top Chef this channel comes on repeatedly. Now it's easy to see why I would love Top Chef- food and drama. And yes, I am totally attracted to Tom Collichio. Kathy Griffin is frigging hilarious and if you don't appreciate her sense of humor- you have something to hide. As for Project Runway- it's a joke that I love this show. Who am I to determine who should win on this show?? And yet every season, I am like Diane von Fürstenberg herself as I critique each and every one of the designers on the show. As I sit on the couch eating a pint of ice cream. If they could see what I wear on a daily basis, and what I find to be acceptable to put on my body, Tim Gunn himself would shoot down the satellite that feeds our dish so that I may never watch their show again.
- MSNBC- except for the lesbian who reports for the Keith Oberman show- I am completely bored. Rachel is her name and I am completely fascinated by her. She is a great reporter- granted, but I think I may be strangely attracted to her. Again- it's the smart thing. And her false eyelashes??
- ESPN- he always needs the score for some game taking place in some part of the country having to do with a team from New England. Ugh.
- ComedyCentral- Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. I totally get his appreciation for these guys. Hell, I watch the shows with him usually. (It's the best way for me to stomach the news.)
- VH1Classic- No lie. Yes, he is a musician who is now officially in his forties. That's all I am going to say about that.
- Apparently there is no #5. I just asked him if he watches any other channels and he couldn't think of any! Meanwhile I am sitting here thinking about the channels I could have added under my list.
So does this make me stupid and uninformed? Well, if we were to take a peek at Chris and Kara's Netflix queues, what you would find just may surprise you. But that's for another entry. I'm going to bed to watch some Alton.
What are you watching II
First off, let me just say that I lived with a gay man for 6+ years and I don't think that any of the shows he watched were as gay as the shows Kara watches. In fact, I doubt the gay porn he watched was as gay as the shows Kara watches.
As for my viewing choices, while I watch sports and news almost exclusively, my expertise in either field seems surprisingly limited. Maybe I watch too much tv to absorb any of it. I think that very few people get smarter watching tv, and since I watch a lot of it, I'm sure I'm getting dumber. Does that make sense? Probably not, since I'm watching tv while I'm writing this.
As for my viewing choices, while I watch sports and news almost exclusively, my expertise in either field seems surprisingly limited. Maybe I watch too much tv to absorb any of it. I think that very few people get smarter watching tv, and since I watch a lot of it, I'm sure I'm getting dumber. Does that make sense? Probably not, since I'm watching tv while I'm writing this.
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