The Secret to a Successful Marriage

Recently we took a trip to see Chris's grandparents in his hometown of Marblehead, MA. It was a quick trip- the only kind we can take these days with two boys who manage to make any indoor space feel like a closet filled with expensive china. My nerves can only take so much of it in someone else's home. Anyhoo, whenever we return from one of our family trips the inevitable conversation of who's family is crazier comes up. By the way- always, always my family wins hands down thanks to the Puerto Rican side which has nothing to do with being puerto rican, but everything to do with being mentally ill. So, after talking about the usual stuff, like New England repression and eating things that are not so kid friendly ("Jack, just try the onion pie!"), I found myself thinking about marriage. You see, recently a couple of friends have mentioned to me in passing that Chris and I have a good marriage or a healthy relationship and it stuns me. Not because it isn't true (I really have no idea, actually), but rather I am stunned that I am married at all. On my mother's side none of the women stayed with the men that "fathered" their children. For the most part this is a really good thing, but for the sake of demonstrating what a healthy marriage looks like it's just not there. Chris's father split when he was really young never to return. So where do we turn to for guidance or inspiration? This brings me back to his grandparents- Grummer and GG.

Grummer and GG should be an inspiration to everyone. They both found each other later in life, each having been married once. It is now about 30 years later and they are still madly in love. They giggle at each other's jokes, compliment each other several times a day, and every once in a while I'd catch Grummer's hand on GG's ass. Yep, it's true. But after much thinking, the true secret to their succes is- drumroll, please- Micromanaging. That's right, Chris! You heard me right, micro-frigging-managing.

It's amazing how they micromanage; it's like watching masters at work. "Jeannie, did you take your pills this morning? Well if you're going to do it now, maybe you should eat something to go along with it since it's not at a mealtime. And while you're at it take a swig of something wet to chase them down." Later something like this will come up- "Well, if the kids need to be on the road by 6pm, then Ed, you should get the dinner going by 5pm so that we can relax through dinner and you won't feel so hurried in preparation. And it's 4:30 now so maybe we should have some vino now and forego the accompaniments altogether." It's magic. But the key to this secret, I think, is to not recognize that it's micromanagement. They just simply see it as taking care of each other. Huh, fancy that, Chris.

I think Chris and I are too painfully aware of this aspect of our marriage. It's an unfortunate side effect of being in our generation. We are too painfully self-aware on almost every aspect of our lives. Before suggesting anything to Chris I always preface it now with "Okay, I am not micromanaging, but I just need you to know that..." There's Emmett standing there in his olive green shirt and his forest green shorts and me saying, "Okay, I am not micromanaging, but..." I just don't know how else to break it to Chris that we couldn't possibly let our beautiful son out into the world with those two greens on the same body. He takes it as personal criticism, I see it as damage control aka taking care of my family. He swears that I am the only one who does it, but I too have felt the irritation of his care for the family. "Did you pack his medicine? Do you have the cell phone?" almost every time I am headed out the door with the kids, as if he weren't here I would walk out the door without their shoes on too. But I welcome it now with open arms, because I know what he's really saying is, "I care for you and for the health of our children".