What are you watching?

Chris is watching tv responsibly as I wander around aimlessly looking for ways not to do something productive. I say responsibly because he is watching MSNBC track the poll results for the democratic primaries. He watches tv programs as if we were being tracked by Nielsen and he is out to prove how well informed and smart he is. Except that he is genuinely smart and well informed. I only latch on to his responsibility and claim it as my own. If someone, like the Nielsen people (whoever they may be), were to document what is being watched in our home they would find a dichotomy that I'm sure exists in every heterosexual couple's home. So it made me think about what the top five channels I turn to on a regular basis vs what top five channels Chris turns to after the kids go to bed at night. Here they are:

Me

• HGTV- the home and garden channel. What New Yorker doesn't go into somebody's home and immediately start to think about how s/he could have done it better and for less money. Almost every show on this channel lets you indulge in this.


• FOOD- Right after Jack was born I could only watch this channel and nothing else. For the first three weeks my entire day revolved around the food channel's schedule. Maybe it was because I was pinned down by his constant nursing and I would just lie there starving trying to imagine what it would be like to eat again. Since then I have taken to tivo'ing Nigella Lawson's shows so that I wouldn't have to watch much else. But if I am in bed at 11pm, chances are I am watching Alton Brown's Good Eats. He is kind of hot and if you haven't gathered already- I've got a thing for smart guys...


• ABC- Who on earth could have imagined that two of my favorite shows of all time would be on this crazy right-wing channel?! Grey's Anatomy grabbed hold of me much later into it's first season and I have been loyal ever since. As much as I couldn't stand Meredith, I couldn't stay away. Lost is the other show I can't stop watching. Now here are my dirty secrets- Wife Swap, The Bachelor/ette, Extreme Makeover- Home Edition. Wife Swap inevitably makes me feel ashamed after watching it. And it's only when Chris walks out of the room disgusted when I can watch it in peace and not try to pass it off as some sociological study I am conducting on the couch with a pint of ice cream.


• TCM- As anyone who knows me will tell you- I am a gay man stuck inside the body of a 33 year old woman. And not just any gay man, but a late forties, early fifties gay man. Hence, TCM. Because sooner or later, a Bette Davis or Joan Crawford movie will be on and I am all set for the night.


• And finally, BRAVO- Between Project Runway, Kathy Griffin and Top Chef this channel comes on repeatedly. Now it's easy to see why I would love Top Chef- food and drama. And yes, I am totally attracted to Tom Collichio. Kathy Griffin is frigging hilarious and if you don't appreciate her sense of humor- you have something to hide. As for Project Runway- it's a joke that I love this show. Who am I to determine who should win on this show?? And yet every season, I am like Diane von Fürstenberg herself as I critique each and every one of the designers on the show. As I sit on the couch eating a pint of ice cream. If they could see what I wear on a daily basis, and what I find to be acceptable to put on my body, Tim Gunn himself would shoot down the satellite that feeds our dish so that I may never watch their show again.

Now for Chris:

• MSNBC- except for the lesbian who reports for the Keith Oberman show- I am completely bored. Rachel is her name and I am completely fascinated by her. She is a great reporter- granted, but I think I may be strangely attracted to her. Again- it's the smart thing. And her false eyelashes??


• ESPN- he always needs the score for some game taking place in some part of the country having to do with a team from New England. Ugh.


• ComedyCentral- Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. I totally get his appreciation for these guys. Hell, I watch the shows with him usually. (It's the best way for me to stomach the news.)


• VH1Classic- No lie. Yes, he is a musician who is now officially in his forties. That's all I am going to say about that.


• Apparently there is no #5. I just asked him if he watches any other channels and he couldn't think of any! Meanwhile I am sitting here thinking about the channels I could have added under my list.

So does this make me stupid and uninformed? Well, if we were to take a peek at Chris and Kara's Netflix queues, what you would find just may surprise you. But that's for another entry. I'm going to bed to watch some Alton.