Thanksgiving Memories

Six years ago my good friend Tammy roped me into one of the most bizarre experiences of my life. She had been doing some part-time work at Macy's for a few years around Thanksgiving time helping them out with the extra workload the holidays bring them. And every year as an incentive they would offer their employees either access to bleacher seats to watch the parade or give them the opportunity to be a part of the parade. Well after having spent one very cold morning with a racist grandma watching the parade (not her grandma), Tammy thought it would be fun to actually be in the parade the following year.

This is where I come in. Tammy asked if I would like to be in the parade with her. I think my response was, "Do we get to hold a balloon?". And her response was like, "CLOWN CAMP!!". Now anybody who knows me at all, would know that I had a serious fear of clowns growing up. If a clown was in the vicinity, I would do one of those silent screams with tears rolling down my face. And in fact that may have been my response to Tammy's offer. But quickly I said yes. Since I was pregnant with Jack at the time, I thought it would be this really cool memory to tell my future unborn child about later in his years and he would think he was so cool and that his mother was so cool. And how much fun would it be to share joy with every girl and boy along the parade route?

We had to train at Clown Camp one Sunday afternoon and doggone it I was going to be the best damn clown they have ever seen! We played games and learned some dances for when the parade slowed down. I think we may have worn noses. I dreamed of being a cute little princess clown, or even a hobo clown... Then we learned we were going to be Mouse Clowns. Awww, cute!

Thanksgiving morning came around and I woke my pregnant ass up before sunrise and giggled as I put on my maternity pants. I met Tammy on a deserted subway platform and our excitement could not be contained. We were going to be fucking Mouse Clowns!!! We got to the hotel where we were to put on our costumes and our make-up and wigs and there were people everywhere. And then we got to where the mouse clowns were. (Record scratches.) Are you kidding me?? With phalic tails and terrifying snouts, we looked more like demonic sewer rat clowns.

It didn't matter because the clowns who were the most enthusiastic in the parade could win a prize!!! We could win that prize! So we got dressed , got our make-up and wigs on and got on the bus to the parade. We got to the starting point and felt the joyous energy of the crowd and when the bands played and the parade moved forward, we raced forward and didn't stop. We ran to keep the parade moving and when the parade slowed down we did our dances and played with the kids on the sidelines. We had it in the bag, baby!

When we got back to the hotel, we passed some mirrors on the way to the changing area. We were horrified at what we saw staring back at us. In addition to the catastrophic costumes they had given us, we now had makeup smeared and dripping down our sweaty faces. Needless to say, we did not win any prizes that day. And the children? I didn't see any look of joy on their faces. Enjoy the pictures... Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Tammy going into a gay mouse clown bar on Columbus Ave.

Kara taking a mouse clown pee on a tree.

Kara looking very mouse clown cute.

Kara's muted tv

This will be brief, but I just wanted to share this. A lot of times, Kara has to lie down with Emmett at night while he's sleeping to nurse him or keep him calm. When she does this, she watches the tv in our room with the mute on so she can read the closed captioning. This resulted in Kara once giving me a review of "Ray" (the Ray Charles biography) after watching the movie without the sound on. (She liked it.) I haven't seen it myself, but now I don't think I need to.
I just think it's funny that Kara watched a biography of Ray Charles with the sound off.

TAG

I have been tagged by Krissyface. Bless her heart she still wants me to write something from time to time. For the past two weeks my boys have been taking turns being sick with the most annoying illnesses known to mankind. First Jack had the stomach virus and I didn't know it until he made it very clear by vomiting all over the Astoria Blvd platform. Then Emmett developed bronchitis which would make him cough every time he laid flat in bed, which in turn meant that he had to sleep upright using my body as his posturpedic. Two days after that he woke up screaming because his eyes had been sealed shut from conjunctivitis. A couple of days after that Jack's eyes looked like he had just blown his nose all over them. The other day on our way back from Jack's homeschooling soccer class (my first day out with them in a week), in the middle of a totally fucked up commute, Emmett threw up somewhere in the underbelly of Times Square after a dickhead wearing a tie looked at him and said, "He doesn't like the subway, huh?". Anyway, I am supposed to tell you six random things about myself and then tag six others.



1. I could have met Chris three times before we actually met. The first time his band came to play at my college's "Feast for the Senses" (so lame, right?) and my boyfriend's band had played right before his did. The second time I went to go see his band (Cheater) play at CBGB's because my best friend knew the drummer for his band. I was drinking tequila and stormed out of there before I was introduced to him. The third time there was a holiday party that my boss wanted me to go to because Chris was going to be there and she wanted to hook us up. I told her the last thing I needed was another boyfriend. I met him a couple of months after that at the coffee shop where we worked and I was wearing the clothes I had slept in the night before with an apron over it.



2. My aunt was an actual playboy bunny for the playboy club in the late 70's and I used to sit on the edge of the sink in the bathroom and watch her put her makeup on.



3. I studied flamenco dance from the time I was 4 1/2 to 12 years old.



4. When I was 9 years old I wanted to be a writer and a doctor. Somebody told me about William Carlos Williams and I was sold.



5. On a camping trip once with my family, my brother Jesse and I went for a hike with some other kids we met at the campground and we got lost. Then I remembered that whenever you get lost on a trail you can follow a stream going down and it will lead you back to civilization. We followed a stream right into a correctional facility. The guards there were nice enough to give us a ride back to the campground.



6. I once watched the sunrise while playing basketball on an empty court with my cousins in Puerto Rico.



That was fun. Thanks, Krissyface for taking me out of the viral funk I have been in lately. Now who should I tag? I can only think of a few.



Chris- c'mon honey. You need to write again.



Leila. I know you want to.



Josh. You may not do it. But I fucking love your blog.

Top Ten #3

Every couple has an agreement. You know the one. It's the one where each person gives the other person permission to have sex with that one, unattainable, never to be met, celebrity. I have a running list of who that guy is for me, but the other day I realized that I actually have kept track of all of the people Chris would drop me for (in a heartbeat). Below is the list in no particular order.

1. Kate Winslet- Actually, I would leave Chris for her. She is so incredibly talented and beautiful. I think it all began with him when he saw Heavenly Creatures. Granted she was underage in that film, but murdering your mother makes you so beyond your years.

2. Maura Tierney- For those of you who are unfamiliar with this name, she is the perfect girl next door type from one of Chris's favorite shows- NewsRadio. Her character on the show was cute and geeky and fell in love with Dave Foley's character which I think only increased Chris's lust for her. (He's got a thing for Kids in the Hall, too. Oh, he didn't mention that?)

3. Sara Silverman- When Chris found out that she was dating Jimmy Kimmel, he nearly had a stroke. He then claimed that he lost respect for her and that she was no longer the one he would leave me for. Well, that didn't last very long because as soon as she had her own show our tivo was recording nothing but that. Apparently Jimmy is no longer in the picture, and Chris has a chance again. I'm shaking in my boots...

4. Tina Fey- This crush didn't really come to fruition until she became the newsanchor for Weekend Update on SNL. It was a bit more subtle than his past interests. He would say things like, "I don't think her face looks funny" in response to my deep interest in her facial scar. She does have one, does she not? I just wanted to know where it came from. Does anyone know? He will still deny that she has one, because her face is now so perfect to him.

5. Rachel Maddow- the other day we were watching her show after the Vice presidential debates and he started going on and on about how smart she is and how tv is really lacking this kind of credibility in journalism. Blah, blah, blah. I saw through it. He know she's gay, but he would totally get in the sack with her.

6. Salma Hayek- He's got a thing for brunettes, and the more latina, the hotter. He married a very watered down version of this, but in his eyes I am all ass and sass in spite of my very influential Irish ancestry.

7. which reminds me, J. Lo- I just asked him about this crush to see if it still has a place in his heart and he responded, "I liked Jennifer Lopez. Before she became J. Lo. I don't like that J. Lo shit."

8. Kristen Wiig- This is his latest addition. My sharp intuition led me to this when he spent 10 minutes talking about how he saw this article in a magazine about this movie she's in and the photo of her looks nothing like how she looks on tv. "I mean, she looked amazing!"

9. Johnny Depp- Depp is Chris's Winslet. Not only would he be more than happy to let me have sex with this man, he would then want a turn.

10. Sue Jones-Davies- Actually, Chris never shared this with me, but I took a guess. For those of you who don't know who she is, she was in Monty Python's The Life of Brian. That's all you need to know.

Yia Yia's new blog

My mother is totally biting off me. She now has her own blog and has even named it "Astroblog". Sooo biting. But here's the thing. While we named our blog after a joke I made 8 or 9 years ago about creating a band called The Jetsons and giving the title of the first album, Astro Weeks; (Get it?! Like Van Morrison's Astral Weeks?? Yeah, hilarious.) she is actually using the term Astroblog because it is all about astrology. She thinks she is so clever. I see right through her.

So with all of this novice talk out there about mercury in retrograde, I implore you to seek professional feedback on the subject before using it as en excuse for being a douchebag. Seriously, check out her blog. She is pretty amazing.

Project Runway sucks

Project Runway: Season 6

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...but I'm not going to write about that or any of the things that bug me right now. As many of you know, Mercury is in retrograde and there was just a harvest moon, so a lot of things are extremely irritating to all of us Taureans with Cancer rising (you know who you are). However, now is not the time to list all of the things that are driving me nuts lately. I'm going to stay positive and post a picture of my kids.

I don't know where Emmett's comb-over came from in this, but he should know he's not fooling anyone.

I think the hat was a better idea.
It makes him look years younger.

This post is cheering me up already.

Okay so the boys are doing great and only one of them has sent Kara to the emergency room lately, so obviously our parenting skills are top-notch, so that's something to be happy about and not irritated by.

Also, Kara made lasagna tonight, which is the greatest food ever invented. It works as a salad, entree and dessert.

It's all going to be okay. I just have to stay positive through Halloween (which, as of two days ago, I thought was next Wednesday).

9 years and counting...

I know I said I would post more regularly, but I honestly have so little to write about. Enjoy.


Today during a playdate I was about to bite into a beautiful apple when I suddenly became very self conscious of it and asked my friend if it was alright that I ate an apple in front of him. He looked at me like I was crazy, and gave me permission to eat. (He probably looked at me like I was crazy because I usually eat like a fucking pig in front of him without even thinking about it.) I then had to explain that I am not allowed to eat apples in front of Chris. He laughed, this friend of mine, because he knows Chris and I so well and apparently has never witnessed one of Chris's freakouts about people eating loudly around him. Naturally I explained to him about this "sensitivity" so that he wouldn't think Chris and I have this weird S&M thing happening on the sly.


It is true though- the thing about me not being allowed to eat apples in front of him. He cannot stand the noises coming out of people's mouths when they are eating and when somebody takes a bite out of an apple it is like death to his ears. So now I am a little head-shy about eating apples, chips, and so on because to Chris I sound like a vacuum cleaner. Granted, I am an eater. I have no qualms about my eating and take great pride in the fact that I will eat anything. (I once dated a guy who said that I eat like a man.) But I don't eat like I have something wrong with me. I actually eat very quietly. It's Chris who has the problem and he will readily admit it when I give him the evil eye for making me feel bad for eating nachos two rooms away from him. Apparently there is a name for this condition- people who hate people who eat. Or I guess, people who have incredibly sensitive hearing to people eating. Or I guess, people who are assholes. It's called "hyperacusis". Or in my world, "bullshit".



Our 9th anniversary recently passed. It was on the 11th of September. Yeah- September 11th. And, no, it didn't happen on the actual day. We had that day for a whole two years before it became the saddest day for NYC ever. Anyway we went to see Tropic Thunder. I'm thinking we may need to try harder for our 10th.

Dirty Hippies

I really love posting. I do. And I apologize for being so lame about posting regularly. But I have a good excuse. Seriously, I do. We just started homeschooling Jack. And by proxy, I guess Emmett too.

Somebody that Chris works with asked him once- "Are you and Kara some kind of anarchists?". Not even hippies- anarchists. That's how extreme our parenting choices may seem to some people. Sure I breastfeed my children at an age where I find it cute that they can sing ABC's with my nipple in their mouth. And yes, we bring Emmett to the chiropractor for an ear infection. And circumcision? Forget about it. Chris and I take pride in the fact that Jack's penis gets an extra inch or so of hang. Our dear friend (and you know who you are) once said, "Does Jack have a lot of foreskin? You can tell from his walk that he's got a lot." (Correct me if I quoted you wrong, by the way.) I guess we parent a little differently from most parents in this country, but Anarchists? Hmmm...

So- yeah, homeschooling. We couldn't bring ourselves to send Jack to the local school. Instead I opted to be utterly exhausted at the end of every day only to find myself on the computer looking up workbooks and curriculum and looking through message boards posting the homeschool gatherings, workshops, classes, etc. But the little bugger is all the better for it, and I guess so am I. It keeps me from boozing it up and doing meth all day long. Kids- they keep you young.

Listen- my entries may be brief, disjointed, and sporadic, but I will continue to post. It's the only outlet I've got at this point. And as for my husband- what the fuck is his excuse? Nice entry about the tv shows, I just wish he would post more often. His shit is funny.

Chris and his Top Ten TV shows

I know these are mostly comedies, but other than sports and news, that's about all I watch. If you like this list, I highly recommend going here .

1. Freaks and Geeks: Hilarious before having kids, heartbreaking after.
2. The Simpsons: I used to love this show so much, and remember it as being really subversive. Now I think it's become pretty lame and useless, but I'm glad Matt Groening became so insanely successful. He seems like a great guy and the Life/Love is Hell comics are masterpieces as were the first ten or so years of this show.
3. Mr. Show: Brilliant show. Why Run, Ronnie, Run was such an unwatchable piece of shit is still beyond me.
4. News Radio: Great writing, great cast. I used to watch this religiously and to this day I give Andy Dick the benefit of the doubt whenever he gets arrested or embarrasses himself some other way.
5. Monty Python’s Flying Circus: I still think I'm cool for liking this, even though Kara and her friends seem to regard it the way they do Dungeons and Dragons.
6. 30 Rock: I've been watching this a lot lately. Some of the best TV writing I've seen.
7. Late Night with David Letterman: I lived for this show in high school and one of the greatest thrills of my life was to be on it. (Yeah, I was on it. Drew Carey was on that night too! He and Kara got into a fight.)
8. The Larry Sanders Show: I watched every episode. Loved every episode.
9. The Daily Show / The Colbert Report: I read lefty blogs a lot during the day and these shows help me come down from getting so outraged. (Coexist, y'all)
10. The Wire: We're watching this now, and it is so good that if I never see another episode, it's still in the top ten.

So there's my list, but a few years ago, Bosom Buddies would have been number one, so take it with a grain of salt.

Top Ten #2

Fucking Krissyface, man. First she convinces my husband to do this frigging blog, then she harasses me about writing. And where is Chris?? He has certainly been slacking. Okay, fine, here is another entry. Oh, by the way, Provincetown was fabulous and upon return when I opened my car door in front of our building it smelled like bottled dog urine.

Top Ten TV Shows of ALL Time

• 10. Cheers Let me just preface this by saying that a lot of these shows are going to have the same thing in common- what's on at 11pm in NYC or what's on after you get home late from partying. Cheers used to fall into both categories. It has mysteriously disappeared from our local channels here and I have to say that I miss it.
• 9. Roseanne Okay, Early Roseanne, before Roseanne opened her own diner. (Chris swears it was a sandwich shop, but whatever it was it took all of the humor out of the show.) Early Roseanne was the most realistic family sitcom ever to be put on air. Believe it or not, I aspire to have a marriage like Roseanne and Dan had. They were hot for each other in spite of the fact that they had let it all go- or at least viewers were made to believe that they used to be attractive at one point before the 3 kids. They were broke most of the time and they complained about the kids. Hmmm, I guess I no longer need to aspire...
• 8. Twilight Zone This can fall under what is on after you get home from partying. Need I even mention the ways this show has messed with my sleep deprived and dehydrated brain on New Year's? You have to admit there is something so peculiarly comforting about watching this show while nursing whatever ails you. And every year I became more and more amazed with how many of these shows I have already seen.
• 7. Flight of the Conchords As Chris has mentioned before, it can take some convincing on his part to get me into a movie or show that he has discovered first. This show is an excellent example of this dynamic between us. In spite of the fact that he would force me to watch scenes from this show as I lay there yawning and rolling my eyes, I later came to watch this show on my own and I frigging love it! Any show that has music videos ranging from David Bowie impersonations to Lord of the Rings, has me written all over it. Just do yourself a favor and look up their music videos on Youtube. You'll thank me later and I won't give any of the credit to Chris.
• 6. The Office (BBC) There is this style of humor that makes me very uncomfortable and it has hindered me from totally getting into a lot of shows and movies out there. It's the kind of humor that makes you wince and want to get the whole thing over and done with. It wasn't until we got sucked into a marathon of this show (those marathons are tricky, aren't they?) that I was able to see the brilliance behind the discomfort.
• 5. Six Feet Under This is one of the few shows listed here that Chris never watched one episode of. I think he thought that it was going to be scary so he would always scurry away as soon as he heard the opening music come on. I would try to convince him that the title had very little to do with what the show was about. Of course, every show opened with a death of some kind so he wasn't convinced. It's too bad, I literally ached for these characters when the show ended.
• 4. Project Runway Is this technically a tv show? Whatever. My heart skips a beat every Wednesday now that the new season has begun. This show knows its way to my heart and they do it with their Golden Girls references at least once a show. (See below)
• 3. Seinfeld This show falls under the category of what is on at 11pm in NYC. Chris says that I have this knack for knowing which episode it is just by watching 5 seconds of it in. I've heard him brag to other people about it like it's this really sexy feature of mine. So sad. In reality I have watched my fair share of Seinfeld episodes, but it's only because they always make me laugh.
• 2. Freaks and Geeks This show was almost #1. We first watched this show right after it got cancelled (assholes!!) and I was devasted that I would never know whatever became of Lindsay and Sam. Since then I have watched the entire season several times, and I am glad it ended when it did. There is a certain romanticism to not knowing what happens to the characters after high school. I mean, there was no need to follow 90210 to college, they should have cut us off soon after their junior year. Actually I never watched an entire episode of 90210 so I don't know what the hell I am talking about. Everybody can relate to F&G. Okay, maybe not everyone. If you were really popular and loved high school then you might have a hard time identifying with the characters, but for the rest of us normal people we were either a Freak or a Geek at one point or another. I was both, but not at the same time. I'll save that for another blog entry.
• 1. Golden Girls Okay, hear me out. Anybody who knows me knows that I am obsessed with this show. Yeah, that's right, obsessed. I used to give Sophia a hard time by calling her the weak link of the show, but I now appreciate her as a spoke in the wheel of the most humorous show ever to be put on television. Recently my friend Heather and I went to a taping of Password and when I found out that Betty White was going to be one of the guest players on the show I cried. I don't get crazy about celebrities because I could care less about how you make your money, but my hands burned from clapping so hard and my throat was sore from screaming. You would have thought I was at a Pixies concert. (Another obsession) But come on- how could you not love this show? When Dorothy drops her voice to hit a punchline, I sometimes get a knot in my throat because I love it so much. Or when Blanche prances around on her little heels resembling a female Porky Pig and talking dirty I chuckle every time. And every single time Rose makes some stupid comment and Dorothy gives her that stare, I just lose it. This show is my most favorite show of all time.

The Dick Dock beckons, oh wait, I'm already there.

Here we are fresh from our trip to NC only to whisk ourselves off to yet another destination. This will be our third year in a row to Provincetown, MA where we stay with our dear friend Susie Q and her family at their lovely historic home on Main Street. There are no other towns to compare it to and it is pretty near to being a utopic society. In the morning we frequent the nearby coffee shop, hang out at the town beach sipping tea and coffee and prepare for the day as we wait for the other adults to wake up. Then the possibilities are endless. Do we go to the beautiful beaches, the nearby hotel pool, or check out the "Critter Cruise"? If only every day can be like this...

I mean, don't get me wrong. Tomorrow I look forward to a morning of stumbling out of the bed gesturing to Chris to help Emmett out of our bed because my back is killing me. Before I even pee I rummage through our kitchen desperate to eat something. After usually settling on cereal it dawns on me that Jack has to eat and that Emmett's diaper is so full, it's resembling a pillow strapped between his legs. So I argue with Jack about how he can't have crepes or blueberry pancakes from scratch every morning and I wrestle Emmett to the ground to have his diaper changed. At which point my cereal is soggy and I still haven't peed. Chris is preparing his gourmet coffee using the Chemex method and is scanning through his Google Reader. This promptly leads to me bitching about the dishes in the sink from the night before and banging things around so that I can make my tea. Jack starts to eat his frozen, now toasted, organic blueberry waffle and wants to know if we are going to do "something fun today". I choke down my vitamins and eye the computer, but feel too lazy to switch from Chris's account to my own. Chris gets in the shower and I try to address the "fun" plans for the day and unless the plan involves a museum, beach or a zoo I have to then address the issue of how to deal with disappontment without screaming or whining. Chris is now getting dressed for work and I finally pee and shower myself, sometimes simultaneously.

While it may be hard to believe that the glamorous morning above is readily shunned for the mornings on the Cape, I've already started packing.

Micromanaging and North Carolina

A couple of things…

Let me begin by quoting our son Jack who offered this insight while we were driving around in North Carolina, “It’s kind of confusing because Dada is bigger than Mama but Mama has a bigger brain.” For some reason, Kara thinks that this was a reference to my intelligence rather than a valid observation about the freakish size of her head. Granted, I drove around NC like Corky’s dumber cousin, but Kara does have a big head.

You may have read Kara’s previous post in which she uses some tortured logic (and my grandparents!) to suggest that reminding me to take my clothes off before I get in the shower is her way of saying, “I love you” and not her way of saying, “You’re a moron.” Any married person or anybody who has lived with someone they are intimate with can see through this bullshit right away. It’s the oldest line in the book. It’s right up there with, “I wasn’t yelling at you, I was yelling at myself.” It brings to mind the line, “I was born on a Tuesday, but it wasn’t last Tuesday.”

Anyway, my big takeaway from our trip to NC was I was duped by a local into royally pissing off this donkey named Lightning. I’ll tell you all about it at a later date.

NYC to the NC to the NYC

Hey Y'all, at the request of Krissy, I am writing. I am tired though, so be kind, friends.

Recently we took a trip to North Carolina. We decided to use our stimulus check aka "hush money" to take a vacation that had nothing to do with visiting friends and/or family. And while we were at it, take a little look-see at the towns there to see if relocating could be a possibility for us. So while it's still fresh in my mind, I'll share the things that spring to mind about our adventures there.

People drink a lot of iced tea there, or rather "sweet tea" and boy is it good. The thing that amazes me though is that they seem completely unaffected by all of the caffeine that is running through their systems on a constant basis. Maybe it's because they are sweating it all out from the heat. In any case it is the most refreshing and civilized drink that goes with just about any food. I was happy about that.

Chris had lost all sense of direction in NC. We made so many U-turns and cut off so many people, even NYers would have been blown away. I mean right up to the bloody end of our trip we ran into trouble. I thought we were in the clear driving along Airport Blvd with the Avis sign just up ahead, when Chris pulls into their exit driveway with the spikes pointing in our direction daring us to continue. Even after I started stammering "Not here, not here!", Chris looked at me bewildered, "What, what?!". Yeah, that was a close call. Jack at one point even declared, "Dada, you really should have gotten that GPS!". He is sooo my son.

There are a lot of wasps, hornets, bees, what have you. And for those of you who know me, know that I don't like bugs. Let alone bugs that have the potential to be lethal. They hover around doorways just waiting for someone oblivious to come along. And everyone was oblivious to them! There I was dodging and running through doorways shouting at the kids to get in, while everyone else is just leaning back, having conversations, holding doors open for other people, maybe the occasional lazy hand gesture toward them- like "go on. fly away little bug." Where do these fucking bugs come from?! And they were huge with stingers so visible, there was a glint to them in the sunlight.

Everyone is friendly there and will help you even if it's inconvenient for them or if they hate you. On our first day there we went to the Whole Foods in Chapel Hill to grab some snacks, diapers, and lunch. After we ate I got up to bring the trays inside with the leftover food and when I opened the door this air blew out at me from inside and the napkins went flying everywhere. This man came out of nowhere and grabbed the door for me so that I could pick up the napkins at which point due to shock, I lost control of the trays. Food all over the floor along with the dishes and silverware. He calmly looked at me with a smile and said "You have just made a dog's dream come true!". And then he helped me gather everything and opened the door again for me. While the fascinating details described above may seem ordinary to the lay person, it is not ordinary in ASStoria.

Accents are a strange thing. When I was in college everybody thought I was from Vermont and were always shocked to find that I was from NYC. Vermont? I don't have any sort of accent as far as I can tell and when I meet someone with an accent of any kind, I kind of love it. Now, for some reason in NC the accent threw me. Whenever I spoke to somebody who had a real southern accent, my knee-jerk reaction was to smile as if they were playing a joke on me. I would look at them as if to say, "Are you kidding me?". Quickly I would remember where I was and would get it together. The other funny thing is how we all start to acquire the accent that is around us. Madonna in England, for example. Or Chris in NC. And much like Madonna in England, Chris's accent picked up some strange habits and sometimes I wasn't sure what he was doing. I don't think people from New England are supposed to sound like they are from the South. The tongue just won't allow it.

All in all we had a great time and as for relocating, well, when you get home and your block smells like a dead horse just shat all over your stoop, any other option seems plausible. But no worries my friends, we are here for now and I am going to love the hell out of it. In spite of the smell.

The Secret to a Successful Marriage

Recently we took a trip to see Chris's grandparents in his hometown of Marblehead, MA. It was a quick trip- the only kind we can take these days with two boys who manage to make any indoor space feel like a closet filled with expensive china. My nerves can only take so much of it in someone else's home. Anyhoo, whenever we return from one of our family trips the inevitable conversation of who's family is crazier comes up. By the way- always, always my family wins hands down thanks to the Puerto Rican side which has nothing to do with being puerto rican, but everything to do with being mentally ill. So, after talking about the usual stuff, like New England repression and eating things that are not so kid friendly ("Jack, just try the onion pie!"), I found myself thinking about marriage. You see, recently a couple of friends have mentioned to me in passing that Chris and I have a good marriage or a healthy relationship and it stuns me. Not because it isn't true (I really have no idea, actually), but rather I am stunned that I am married at all. On my mother's side none of the women stayed with the men that "fathered" their children. For the most part this is a really good thing, but for the sake of demonstrating what a healthy marriage looks like it's just not there. Chris's father split when he was really young never to return. So where do we turn to for guidance or inspiration? This brings me back to his grandparents- Grummer and GG.

Grummer and GG should be an inspiration to everyone. They both found each other later in life, each having been married once. It is now about 30 years later and they are still madly in love. They giggle at each other's jokes, compliment each other several times a day, and every once in a while I'd catch Grummer's hand on GG's ass. Yep, it's true. But after much thinking, the true secret to their succes is- drumroll, please- Micromanaging. That's right, Chris! You heard me right, micro-frigging-managing.

It's amazing how they micromanage; it's like watching masters at work. "Jeannie, did you take your pills this morning? Well if you're going to do it now, maybe you should eat something to go along with it since it's not at a mealtime. And while you're at it take a swig of something wet to chase them down." Later something like this will come up- "Well, if the kids need to be on the road by 6pm, then Ed, you should get the dinner going by 5pm so that we can relax through dinner and you won't feel so hurried in preparation. And it's 4:30 now so maybe we should have some vino now and forego the accompaniments altogether." It's magic. But the key to this secret, I think, is to not recognize that it's micromanagement. They just simply see it as taking care of each other. Huh, fancy that, Chris.

I think Chris and I are too painfully aware of this aspect of our marriage. It's an unfortunate side effect of being in our generation. We are too painfully self-aware on almost every aspect of our lives. Before suggesting anything to Chris I always preface it now with "Okay, I am not micromanaging, but I just need you to know that..." There's Emmett standing there in his olive green shirt and his forest green shorts and me saying, "Okay, I am not micromanaging, but..." I just don't know how else to break it to Chris that we couldn't possibly let our beautiful son out into the world with those two greens on the same body. He takes it as personal criticism, I see it as damage control aka taking care of my family. He swears that I am the only one who does it, but I too have felt the irritation of his care for the family. "Did you pack his medicine? Do you have the cell phone?" almost every time I am headed out the door with the kids, as if he weren't here I would walk out the door without their shoes on too. But I welcome it now with open arms, because I know what he's really saying is, "I care for you and for the health of our children".

Kara and Movies

I just want to say one thing about watching movies with Kara, who seems to know me so well, but is unaware that I have, in fact, seen Boys on the Side (the movie that is).

For years before Jack was born, when we could watch a movie at a volume that was louder than the refrigerator hum, I would often bring back a movie from the video store (remember those?) that I thought we both might enjoy. Invariably, Kara would look at what I got and give me one of those condescending looks filled with pity, laughing softly to herself, letting me know she was embarrassed for me because I was too stupid to be embarrassed for myself. Every time. It did not matter what movie it was. Any genre, any director, any actor, any language. It was always just some lame choice I had made that played into some stereotype of a knucklehead male filmgoer who just loves to see things get blowned up or has a bunch of pretty gurlz running around topless. It happens to this day, but now we use Netflix so I can set myself up for that humiliation without walking all the way to Video Stop (which sadly closed a year ago).

Anyway, among the films I chose were City of God, The Triplets of Belleville, Donnie Darko, Kung Fu Hustle, Spellbound (the spelling bee documentary), Tristam and Shady, Withnail and I, Network, Citizen Kane and Filthy First-Time Nightshift Nurses IV.

That’s just the half of it, though. After defending myself for ten minutes by saying things like “But it was nominated for 12 Academy Awards,” or “Martin Scorsese says this is the best film in the history of cinema,” Kara would consent to watch the film, and totally get into it. I swear to god, without fail. Then, more times than I care to remember, she would be talking to one of our friends the next day or a few days afterward and say something like , “You know what movie we just saw that you would love? [Insert some film that I was ridiculed for having selected]! It’s so good. You should really see it. It’s a great movie.” She still does it, actually.

That is what is so annoying. Kara has excellent taste in movies, but refuses to believe that I might know how to pick a film that would be interesting to watch. Maybe it's because I watch some of the dullest things imaginable on regular TV. ("Honey, Noam Chamsky is on C-Span2's Book Talk for six straight hours! Hold all my calls!") Maybe it’s because I won’t watch anything scary, which is completely befuddling to her. By the way, she also is constantly trying to trick me into watching scary films. ('Saw II' isn’t scary. I heard it’s funny. Maybe a little suspenseful, but not scary). I really don't like being scared.

Okay, then. Having said all that, let me make a few quick notes about Kara’s post. I did see Boys on the Side and hated it. I also hated When A Man Loves A Woman (although I am convinced that at the end of that movie Andy Garcia says “You had me at hello,” yet another reason to hate Cameron Crowe. He’s a plagiarist. And he plagiarizes the worst crap out there.) I actually don’t mind Robin Williams in movies that much. Definitely not as much as I mind Robin Williams in general.

And I do love ABBA and Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.

Top Ten #1

Is 2001: A Space Odyssey really the greatest sci-fi film ever made?? Really?! Star Wars is by far way more entertaining. Sure 2001 triggered some pretty intense anxiety attacks for me in college, but I don't think that would necessarily make it the top sci-fi film. In case you haven't guessed by now, I am actually writing this while AFI's 10 top ten list is playing in the background. Which of course has me thinking about some top ten lists of my own. I would love to share all of my top ten lists with you through this most engaging blog, but for tonight, just one:

Top Ten Films That Chris Will Never Watch:

Texas Chainsaw Massacre- Chris is incredibly scared of horror movies, but especially this movie. Now, I am aware that horror movies are designed to freak people out, but Chris can't handle it at all. We went to see a friend's band play in upstate NY and as they started their set, they had scenes from the movie playing behind them. Chris's face went pale and his hands started shaking as he realized what was being shown. He tried his best to enjoy the music, but he still talks about those scenes to this day. "I can't believe they would show that! I mean, it doesn't add to the music or anything..." Poor Chris.

Transamerica- The only reason I know this has to do with the fact that the DVD has been sitting on top of our tv cabinet since I got the damn thing from Netflix three days ago. And whenever I bring it up as a possibility for our viewing pleasure, he looks at me as if I just asked him to watch a short film on grass growing.

Masterpiece on PBS- Okay, technically it's tv, but their mini-series are definitely film worthy in my opinion. They recently had the Jane Austen series with a different Jane Austen story every week. Chris would dash out of the room as soon as he realized what was coming on. His hopes were so high as he would see the PBS promotions come on. I am sure he thought that maybe I was coming around and would watch a Charlie Rose with him. And then Gillian Anderson would appear ready to introduce the next delicious story and he would leap off the couch- his heart crushed.

Boys on the Side- He has never seen this movie and he has got a huge beef with this film. It has something to do with Whoopi and Drew being in the same film together.

Mama Mia!: the Movie- ABBA was the first band that Chris really dug as a kid. He still listens to them with Jack and will even point out parts in the songs that really get him excited. He is just too close to the music (if you can believe) to even fathom hearing their songs come out of Meryl Streep's mouth.

Born into Brothels- or any other depressing aka uplifting documentary I have sent to the house. Thank you Netflix!

Any Robin Williams movie- No, really. Apparently when he went to see Alladin (stoned), he was so disturbed by Robin Williams's voice, that he has forever banned that movie from our house. Our boys will end up seeing it at some friend's house and will covet it like porn.

Any future Cameron Crowe film- After his reactions to Almost Famous, Vanilla Sky and Jerry Maguire, I am going to ban him from seeing his films. Whatever minute amount of joy you can get from seeing his films, Chris will promptly shit all over it.

The Exorcist- Aside from the fact that it is the scariest movie that has ever existed, when I asked Chris what two movies that he would never see are, he immediately responded with this one. I'll give him this one- there have been some nights when I wished I had never seen this one. Or at least didn't see it more than ten times.

Sleepless in Seattle- And when asked why, he simply states, "I don't like romantic comedies." So what's Pee Wee's Big Adventure?

Merde

In honor of our dear friend, Kristin's, recent blog entry (see blog list at right) about her daughter's obsession with poop, I thought I would share my own thoughts on the topic. You see, it's not just four and five year olds that are obsessed with nose picking, penis vs vagina, and of course defecating, but it seems throughout my life there have been several people of all ages who have found shitting to be a source of great amusement. A word of warning: the following will definitely make Chris very uncomfortable.


My mother: For as long as I can remember, my mother has been very open with her bodily functions. She and my aunt still laugh about how they would chase me around the apartment (a rather large apartment on the upper westside) farting at me. She would notoriously fart loudly and immediately try to put the blame on anyone within the nearest vicinity. (Bill Cosby has an entire bit about his father blaming imaginary animals on his farts- my mother found this to be hilarious.) And then when she was on the can, the door would be wide open where she would continue to carry conversations either on the phone or with anyone who could stomach the smell. Usually my brothers and I because we had been subjected to it from such early stages that the smells didn't phase us so much. There was even a time when I was 14 and my best friend, Diana, and I had returned back to my place way later than our curfew and my mother called us into the bathroom as soon she heard the door. We stood in the bathroom doorway as she proceeded to ground us while she was sitting on the toilet. The amazing thing about this is that a) we were still scared about being so late and b) that we didn't walk away from her as she lectured us about paying attention to the time when we were out. Okay, so maybe she isn't obsessed with poop, just really open and relaxed about it. But I still can't think about the subject without thinking of my mother.



Mike: I met my friend Mike in college. He was the best friend of my boyfriend (who was also very obsessed with pooping-see below) and we were inseparable when said boyfriend was in India. I learned a lot about the foods that Mike ate and how they came out in the end. He would report on the subject after almost every meal we had together. After having Jack one of the first questions he asked was whether or not it was true that you shit when you are pushing the baby out. A valid question, but should it be the one of the first questions you ask? Is it any wonder I still love him? He's recently had a beautiful baby girl, so now he can obsess over her little dirty diapers.



College Boyfriend: I know it's just wrong to write about your ex-boyfriend on a blog that you write with your husband; but I seriously can't avoid this guy's obsession with bodily functions. So to be fair, I have left his name out in fear that he may come upon this in some "random Google search" and will be totally pissed. Before this guy, I never even farted in front of a boy who wasn't one of my brothers. I don't know if it's the liberal arts thing or what- but boys in college just don't care. In fact, they kind of get off on girls having it all out there. Whether it's unshaven legs (which I had) or beer farts/burps (which I did), liberal arts college boys think it's so cool to have a girlfriend who isn't concerned with being "girly". Now back to CB. If there were such a thing as side by side toilets, we would have had them. We would keep each other company if either of us were relieving ourselves and we always laughed at each other when we farted. Besides, it came with the territory of the typical vegetarian fare we were eating back then. And what started off as fun farting pooping humor, turned ugly when he came back from his semester abroad in India. Granted he came back with giardia, but he tracked every cramp, fart, or bowel movement like they were signs from God.



And of course there have been several others in my life who were either really open about their bodies and what they do, or they would discuss it incessantly. Sure my five year old would laugh if you even utter the word "poop", but so does my mother. As an aside, in college before dance performances every dancer would go around whispering "Merde" to each other before going on stage. I will let you know that I always smiled back with a cheery, "Thank you!". And if I were to choose an entire population of people who would represent poop obsession, it would have to be actors. (Specifically theatre actors, because I haven't worked that closely with film actors and I am guessing it might be different with them.) Inevitably during a rehearsal break or when a group is in the green room waiting for their scene, their digestive issues come up. And it's always funny, even if it's painful.

Red Roses and Champagne

Well, I hated Kara's last post, but it did get me thinking.

It got me to thinking about my college paramour, a truly beautiful girl who never farted, shat or burped and definitely not all three simultaneously while sitting on the toilet talking to me, which is probably why she didn't get into Skidmore, where I think that's actually part of the interview process.

It got me thinking about my high school girlfriend, who was somehow able to refrain from lighting her farts in my face or burping the alphabet in church. I never saw her sneeze, but if she ever did, I'm willing to wager she covered her nose with a tissue rather than blocking one nostril and blowing as hard as possible onto the floor. I get teary-eyed thinking of all the times she didn't fart into her hand and then sniff it.

Even after college, I managed to meet a variety of people who were actually able to wait until they were done emptying their bowels to share with me whatever random thought was running through their head. Many times I have discussed music, literature, or film without someone lighting a match or spraying Lysol around the room.

Actually, even today at work I was given a job by someone who wasn't grunting with their pants down around their ankles. That happens fairly frequently, truth be told, but then again I have a pretty cushy job. And there aren't a lot of Skidmore grads there. (Although, to be fair, I don't see the higher-ups too much.)

I've led a sheltered life, I know, and the hundreds of beautiful women I've dated (all of whom could eat at a restaurant without feeling compelled to re-enact the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles) do not represent all women, and every stranger on the street who doesn't ask me to pull their finger, doesn't mean that someday one won't. That being said, I don't think it's too much to ask my beautiful wife and incredible kids to let me live in this one bubble a little bit longer.

What are you watching?

Chris is watching tv responsibly as I wander around aimlessly looking for ways not to do something productive. I say responsibly because he is watching MSNBC track the poll results for the democratic primaries. He watches tv programs as if we were being tracked by Nielsen and he is out to prove how well informed and smart he is. Except that he is genuinely smart and well informed. I only latch on to his responsibility and claim it as my own. If someone, like the Nielsen people (whoever they may be), were to document what is being watched in our home they would find a dichotomy that I'm sure exists in every heterosexual couple's home. So it made me think about what the top five channels I turn to on a regular basis vs what top five channels Chris turns to after the kids go to bed at night. Here they are:

Me

• HGTV- the home and garden channel. What New Yorker doesn't go into somebody's home and immediately start to think about how s/he could have done it better and for less money. Almost every show on this channel lets you indulge in this.


• FOOD- Right after Jack was born I could only watch this channel and nothing else. For the first three weeks my entire day revolved around the food channel's schedule. Maybe it was because I was pinned down by his constant nursing and I would just lie there starving trying to imagine what it would be like to eat again. Since then I have taken to tivo'ing Nigella Lawson's shows so that I wouldn't have to watch much else. But if I am in bed at 11pm, chances are I am watching Alton Brown's Good Eats. He is kind of hot and if you haven't gathered already- I've got a thing for smart guys...


• ABC- Who on earth could have imagined that two of my favorite shows of all time would be on this crazy right-wing channel?! Grey's Anatomy grabbed hold of me much later into it's first season and I have been loyal ever since. As much as I couldn't stand Meredith, I couldn't stay away. Lost is the other show I can't stop watching. Now here are my dirty secrets- Wife Swap, The Bachelor/ette, Extreme Makeover- Home Edition. Wife Swap inevitably makes me feel ashamed after watching it. And it's only when Chris walks out of the room disgusted when I can watch it in peace and not try to pass it off as some sociological study I am conducting on the couch with a pint of ice cream.


• TCM- As anyone who knows me will tell you- I am a gay man stuck inside the body of a 33 year old woman. And not just any gay man, but a late forties, early fifties gay man. Hence, TCM. Because sooner or later, a Bette Davis or Joan Crawford movie will be on and I am all set for the night.


• And finally, BRAVO- Between Project Runway, Kathy Griffin and Top Chef this channel comes on repeatedly. Now it's easy to see why I would love Top Chef- food and drama. And yes, I am totally attracted to Tom Collichio. Kathy Griffin is frigging hilarious and if you don't appreciate her sense of humor- you have something to hide. As for Project Runway- it's a joke that I love this show. Who am I to determine who should win on this show?? And yet every season, I am like Diane von Fürstenberg herself as I critique each and every one of the designers on the show. As I sit on the couch eating a pint of ice cream. If they could see what I wear on a daily basis, and what I find to be acceptable to put on my body, Tim Gunn himself would shoot down the satellite that feeds our dish so that I may never watch their show again.

Now for Chris:

• MSNBC- except for the lesbian who reports for the Keith Oberman show- I am completely bored. Rachel is her name and I am completely fascinated by her. She is a great reporter- granted, but I think I may be strangely attracted to her. Again- it's the smart thing. And her false eyelashes??


• ESPN- he always needs the score for some game taking place in some part of the country having to do with a team from New England. Ugh.


• ComedyCentral- Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. I totally get his appreciation for these guys. Hell, I watch the shows with him usually. (It's the best way for me to stomach the news.)


• VH1Classic- No lie. Yes, he is a musician who is now officially in his forties. That's all I am going to say about that.


• Apparently there is no #5. I just asked him if he watches any other channels and he couldn't think of any! Meanwhile I am sitting here thinking about the channels I could have added under my list.

So does this make me stupid and uninformed? Well, if we were to take a peek at Chris and Kara's Netflix queues, what you would find just may surprise you. But that's for another entry. I'm going to bed to watch some Alton.